The Two-Way-Street

of Compassion and Benevolence

The other day I was engaged in an email discussion with a colleague.  He had just given me a copy of The Art of Compassion, an edited book of stories printed by Faith Books in 2009.  I read parts of the book and skimmed the rest.  I told my colleague that the book prompted considerable thought and it strengthened my resolve about the importance of seeing compassion as a Two-Way-Street of help and benevolence.  I went on to say…

As much as I support the giving of compassion, care, help, empathy and gifts of music, for instance, each requires a receiver.  It is hard to show compassion or love when there is nobody to receive it.  There must be some "person", to receive our gifts.  Am I suggesting that we middle class folks need the “needy”?  Well, sort of but this isn't where I want to go.  

Those of us who are productive in satisfying ways, do not typically ask these questions.  It does not occur to us.  Our employer reciprocates what we give with a paycheck.  Our spouses and friends and maybe our co-workers ask us questions and favors and seem pleased with our replies and contributions -- as a matter of daily life.  

But who, with regularity, asks the poor for their wisdom? Who thinks of asking older adults for help with an important new project?

Rich or poor, young or old, our personal sense that we are making meaningful contributions to life is a mainstay of our well-being, (which is in turn related to our health and happiness).  So without people who will give appreciative acknowledgement for the compassion we express or the help we give, we can spiral down toward a dismal perception of not mattering to others.

So it seems to me that we must help people grow in understanding that being open to the help and compassion from  others is, in an important way, a gift to them.  It is a way of giving “help” by receiving help.  It demands, of course, that we express appreciation and thanks for that help given. 

Perhaps it isn’t immediately apparent what another person can do or say that can be meaningful to us (and to them).  But the point I am making is that when we take the time to figure that out – and ask them for “help” in that realm, we are being compassionate, kind and helpful by contributing to their psychological well-being.

Thus, ongoing positive relationships are never one-way streets of one person only giving help and the other only receiving help.  To sustain positive relationships over time requires a two-way street in which all parties both give help (or compassion) and receive help (or compassion).  

Here is a true story that I have shared before, but it sums up what I am trying to say:

    A story from a Black minister of an inner-city church in Texas

          A number of years ago I was approached by a group of middle class women from a church in the suburbs of my city.  They wanted to know if they could give some of their old clothes directly to the women of my church – “Would the women of the church appreciate that?” , they asked.  I checked with the women’s groups in my church and they were delighted.
         All went well for quite a time, the suburban women were pleased with what they were doing, the inner-city women were happy and gave many thanks to the suburban women for their gifts.
         One day the inner-city women decided that they would like to do something nice back to the suburban woman and they asked me to check with those women and see what would be meaningful to them.  A few days later I had to report back to the women in my congregation with the disappointing news that the suburban could think of nothing they wanted from the women of my church.  The women in my church were crushed.  They thought about rejecting further clothes, but decided to accept the clothes but no longer give thanks.   

      The suburban woman became upset over time because they no longer were being appreciated.  Eventually the suburban women were the ones who stopped the program.  They never had a clue about the real problem.  They thought they were doing good.

Bruce