Things That Happen As We Age

The process of bringing new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving to an ongoing culture (i.e. the church) is always difficult.  Consider the tremendously complex set of problems in introducing Christianity to a developing country, or the scientific and cultural hazards of bringing new ways of practicing medicine to a community encased in traditional customs, or trying to change the seemingly intractable problem of deadly inter-gang rivalry.  

Starting a comprehensive older adult ministry in a church can be mission work, as surely as sending Christian missionaries to China, or talented young teachers to the schools of some of our inner cities.  

Because the life and culture we understand best are the lives and cultures we know and have lived, it is critical that if church leaders are to help change the relationship of churches to their older adult membership, somehow they and members of the congregation must grow in their understanding of what it is like to be an older adult in “that” church.   I want to emphasize that the best of what older adults can be, the model that is typically displayed by the most active older adults, or the stories of great achievement by older adults in the AARP magazine, typically have little to do with the reality of the changing lives of most older adults in a congregation.

It is impossible to cover the waterfront of the real lives of older adults --  that sort of understanding can only come from listening to their personal, experiential and emotion-filled stories.  And statistical summaries can never enable us to understand the diversity of real life as it actually happens to real people.

As I posted my ad in The Lutheran two years ago, looking for stories of what it was that enabled people in congregations to feel that they mattered (I was looking for positive stories), I also received a number of stories from people who wanted me to understand how life had become more negative and more difficult.   Several commented that increasingly they realized that as they aged, they didn’t really seem to matter all that much to others in their congregation.  But it was the stories of some who shared the specifics of their life that can help us grow in our understanding.  Listen:

·      My spouse has become my caregiver, and that is unfair.  Expectations for life are all backwards now.  It is hard if not impossible to disentangle expectations from my current reality.  The difference is always present.  My self-esteem is compromised.  I have a very different perspective on freedom.  I feel a sense of depression, of helplessness, and it makes me angry at times.

• As I read or hear about one of my acquaintances at church who has become very sick or has died, I wonder when my turn will come.  I don’t think about this all the time but when I first hear about it, it colors my mood for quite a while.   I realize that I am about the same age and it all seems so random. 

• Many of us [older adults] are already apt to be feeling a growing sense of isolation and diminished self-esteem. Seniors routinely face serious problems ranging from faltering health to outright depression.  Some who are attending churches right now have recently lost a spouse, or a close friend, or a degree of their mobility. They may feel empty and vulnerable, because their independence and their sense of belonging is threatened.  Of course, some of us seniors have not yet reached that point, but we too may have come to feel that we’re no longer really wanted.  I might feel more positive if I could do more things that I used to be able to do.   But I think about all the things I can no longer do.  I used to play golf and I enjoyed the group of guys who played golf with me.  I don’t see them anymore because I can no longer play.   I used to like lots of active sports, tennis, canoeing, and so on.  Each had its own group of guys I enjoyed.  So not only have I lost my ability to play those sports, but I have lost friendships associated with those sports.

• Maybe I should expect less of myself.  But when I occasionally spend time with friends, I see that they become caught up in my diminishing abilities and they are otherwise very capable.  It is hard.

• There are still many things that I enjoy.  I like playing with my granddaughter.  We talk about all sorts of things.  I like to hear from her what she is doing.  That’s fun.  I also have one group of friends – we have been together in a book club for years --  I still enjoy being with them.  It gives me a very important feeling of longevity and stability.  In this group I can still feel that I am who I have always been.   I don’t have that feeling of disharmony in this activity; at least not yet.

• I no longer have the energy to do the things that I want to do.  This is very discouraging to me because I don’t see how this will change in the future.   I even have to reduce the times I see my grandchildren, and this above all else is what gave me satisfaction and happiness.

• I feel invisible at church. I really enjoy studying the Bible.  I have done that before.  It gives me pleasure to do that.  But I’m not sure that my family understands how much I enjoy doing that.  So that does not give me the type of harmony that it could.  I could imagine really looking forward to that activity if I could structure it into my daily life for an hour or so.   I also like to read novels and I love books on architecture.  I think that building those activities into my day or week would be enjoyable for me.

• It is hard to cancel plans because of changing circumstances in my life.  I know that this affects my spouse and I feel especially bad about that.  I am not that old, actually, and I wonder if this will be a frequent problem for us.   We enjoy traveling and now what will we do?

• The hardest thing that I face with my aging-related disability is the “cold turkey” prohibition from driving.  I wish my doc had said to reduce the time or distance.  I could live with that. But to stop completely means that:
• I can’t drive to my volunteer work where I was helping others.
• I can’t suggest something light-hearted, fun, and spontaneous –

        like a dinner out, or a show, or a trip to the ice cream store.

• I can’t go over by myself and play with my grandchildren.
• I can’t be helpful to my spouse and run errands for her.
• I can’t run to the store to get the little things that I need as well.
• With my loss of driving independence I have lost an ability to do fun

       and helpful things for and with my spouse.

• I think about what I can still do that I have always done;  shave, sing the hymns in church, listen to good classical music.  I have always enjoyed music.  When I sing or otherwise enjoy music, it still makes me feel as though I am who I used to be.  So many of the things I can do now are more passive.  But I have always thought of myself as a more active person.  I like competition, and I feel I have lost something that has been a part of who I am as I can no longer be active and competitive in some ways.

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As I “listened” to these stories of things that happen as we age I began to understand more about how expectations we have for what we do changes over time as we have lower energy, less mobility or interest in being in leadership roles at church.   But I also began to realize that some of our friends and family may not be as quick to grasp our new realities.  What we now enjoy may be hard for others to understand. 

I wonder, to what extent do church leaders consider listening to the stories of a diverse set of older adults in their church and encouraging varied activities as members age and begin slipping away from many of the relationships they seemed to have enjoyed before?  It seems to me that as these issues are discussed at church, it isn’t just the older adults who have much to share and to learn, but it is their family members, friends and acquaintances as well!

Bruce