I Wish I Knew The Answer

There was a recent article in the newspaper that talked about the issue of whether it was better to show love, respect, regard, etc. conditionally or unconditionally. 

That is, for instance, should we show affection to our children only when they are well behaved, properly self-controlled and, say, accomplished in competitive sports (the conditional approach)?  Or should we always give our affection and regard to our children, even if we don’t like what they are doing or saying or are disappointed in their lack of performance (the unconditional approach)?

The article (in the NYT, May 3, 2014, by Alfie Kohn, author of, “The Myth of the Spoiled Child: Challenging the Conventional Wisdom About Children and Parenting”) argues if you want to raise a child with positive psychological health, the research comes down on the side of unconditional love – accepting, loving and showing regard for the child even if he or she is not measuring up to actions/principles the parents feel are important. (The unconditional care approach does not, of course, preclude encouragement and the critique of particular behaviors that are unacceptable or inadequate.)

I read Kohn’s article just after my wife and I returned from church last Sunday.  So perhaps that explains my thinking about my Christian faith in relationship to this article.   I am very aware that there are differences in personal opinions over whether or not we should reach out with expressed esteem only to those who do well in what we want them to do vs. expressing care and respect for all, even if we are disappointed in some way or “turned off” by them.  Typically, it seems to me, the media is in the conditional camp of expressing praise.  Only “the best” seem respected. 

Yet this is one of those places where my personal belief in the importance of Grace seems so clear.  Grace, in the form of complete and total acceptance of us by God is so Lutheran.   Along with our admonition to love others, and to treat others as we would be treated, Grace is central to what is most valuable in our beliefs about God’s hope for us. 

This understanding makes me happy.  It’s not that I always followed the pathways of Grace in my relationships with my own kids, but I knew that it was the best way, and I tried.  Thank goodness God’s Grace covers me too.

Research on the impact of people’s conditional respect for adults (that is, if we only express regard and care to others if their values and the way they think, talk, and act is the same as ours) is not as extensive as it is for children.  Yet the same Christian roof is over the heads of us all, not just parents and their children.   So what is the justification for Christians publicly to disrespect a person, not just their actions, when we disagree?

I sometimes wonder if we older adults are more likely to find ourselves with a strong commitment to a narrow conditional respect for others?  I don’t know the answer, but it may be critical if we are to understand whether or not “our” church is seen as a welcoming, caring and respectful place to be.  In the answer there may be clues for whether or not we are a growing or a disappearing church.

I wish I knew the answer.

Bruce