“They Acted As If They Had Been Waiting For Me To Arrive!”

As a part of my efforts to discover what it is about church that brings people coming back week after week, I have been exploring the extent to which people felt “welcomed” in one way or another might contribute to a person’s “return next week”.

Not surprisingly, people did share story after story about how they felt buoyed each week by a smile or two or three, the use of their name, a question about how things were going, or a conversation with a friend about a recent vacation.  These are the ways we humans, as social-beings, typically determine that we are known, welcomed and accepted.  Those feeling are important to our sense of well-being, which in turn is important to our health and longevity.

But how about the new person in church, the one who shows up for the first time on a Sunday morning, or who comes to her first older-adult ministry program?  What do we church members do to affect the well-being of that person -- to make them feel welcomed?  What happens at church to increase the likelihood that those new people will return to see us next Sunday?

This is especially important question for older adults.  Often we move later in life to be closer to a relative.  When we move, we typically have no readily accessible “social group”.  We have no work colleagues to get to know as we settle in to our new community.  

The title of this blog is a comment from one of the respondents to my question.  When she was a newcomer in a community and went to an older adult activity at a near-by church, she was surprised by how many people came up to her and asked about her life in one way or another.  She said that they expressed great pleasure, even excitement, that she was going to be a part of this church.

This dilemma reminded me of a community psychologist colleague of mine who examined differences between high schools in their ability to integrate new students into the school.  As it turned out, the high schools that were more stable and comfortable for existing students (because of a low turn-over of students), the more difficult it was for new students to “break in” and feel included.  It was the more open and fluid high schools, those with a number of students coming and going each year, that seemed better at truly welcoming new students to be a part of the community. 

I wonder how much churches are like high schools?

Bruce 

Bringing examples of what older adults are actually doing to make a positive difference for other older adults in church does not seem to generate responses on this blog.  Because it is through our conversations together (our responses with each other) that we all gain in our sense of well-being, I am going to try a different approach;  a more personal story-telling approach to aging and the church. 

Bruce

My first story relates to a recent incident I saw in church by an older adult couple.

NOTICING GOD’S PRESENCE IN THE EVERYDAY

My wife and I were sitting in the sanctuary one evening last month with about 125 other members of our congregation.  We were listening to an engaging speaker talk about her remarkable and hope-filled ongoing struggle with stage 4 cancer.*   Because my wife and I have both grappled with cancer ourselves recently, we waited with great anticipation for what the speaker had to share with us.  Our expectations for a helpful/hopeful message were exceeded, but my story is about something that happened in the audience as the speaker started telling us of her journey.

As the speaker began her talk, I noticed a couple we have known as friends and colleagues for 40 years stand up and move over two seats and sit down right next to an older member of our church who was sitting alone.   The wife put her arm around this person for a bit, and the husband acknowledged their move with a smile, a nod and a small wave of his hand.   Perhaps I just imagined it, but I thought I could see a sense of relief or calm spread across the face of the person who had been sitting alone.

Since all of this took about five seconds, I was glad that I was sitting close enough behind them to see this spontaneous act of kindness and its positive outcome. 

Later in the program, during the comments and questions between the audience and the speaker, I mentioned publicly what I had noticed, and associated that deed with the sort of kindness and friendship that the speaker identified as being so helpful to her during her years of struggle with cancer.

At the conclusion of the program and as we were leaving the sanctuary, a couple of people thanked me for bringing up what I had noticed.  They had themselves not noticed that “move”, yet, they said, my pointing out this act of kindness gave them a special positive feeling for the sort of thoughtful and caring congregation we have in our church.  It made them feel better about themselves to be a part of “this place”.

This cluster of messages seen and heard made me wonder how much we don’t notice God’s presence in our everyday lives, that if noticed and shared would add to our sense of grace, hope and well-being?

Bruce

         *Deanna Thompson, Hoping for More:  Having Cancer, Talking Faith and 
         Accepting Grace.    2012,  Eugene, Oregon; Cascade Books.

To The Church and Aging Blog readers,

There have been quite a few hits on this last rather long essay on

       “The Waiting Resource: Space Cowboys”.

Yet I am at a loss for how to interpret this apparent interest.  Words in a blog will not by themselves stop the downward trend of the shrinking church or increase the well-being of older adults.  Action is needed --  actually a thousand points of action.  Yet without some sense of how words are received, little guidance comes from you, the very people who will be critical for gathering partners in order to take action.

If you have some comments but would rather not write what is a very public response on The Church and Aging blog, please write an email to me at    roberts@stolaf.edu  .

Thanks,

Bruce Roberts

As headlines of The Lutheran so directly pointed out four months ago, we are members of “The Shrinking Church”.  Some of us see it all around us; in our seminaries, our music programs, our smaller attendance.   It is small comfort that we Lutherans are not alone in this disappearing act. 

          A Waiting Resource:  Space Cowboys

The critical need for more attention paid by churches to older adults in their midst involves much more than just “the arrival” of the Baby Boomers.  Thanks to greatly increased effectiveness of our medical community, even “The Greatest Generation” of older adults are living longer.  Those who include older adults in their communities, including churches, have a responsibility to address the many changing circumstances faced by older adults as they age.  After all, we live in a culture that at least used to emphasize community – “E Pluribus Unum  --  Out of many, one”.   And we walk the halls of a church community that reads multiple Bible verses that instruct us to treat others as we would be treated.

So how about noticing older adults as an important resource rather than as akin to the church disappearing act?  We older adults have lived through the era when “community” was a positive concept.  Perhaps we can, if called on again, find ways to reinvent our churches in a manner that is seen as positive for our grandchildren as well as for us.  Perhaps we can help people reach across the isles to make and sustain friendships with new “kinds” of people, as we learned how to do in the military, years ago.  Perhaps we can help people notice that children, their parents and older adults can be partners in doing what needs to be done.  We are not just sources of support, entertainment, pleasure or charity for each other.

Older adults do make news these days;  mostly however, because, we are told, we use up so much of the wealth of the nation on our health and social security.  A secondary, apparently annoying but related feature about older adults is that there are so many of us. The Baby Boomers are retiring and thus add appreciably to financial worries.  Furthermore, we who no longer have to show up at 8:00 for work every day, are becoming an increasingly large segment of non-work related organizations, church congregations for instance.  This creates a frustrating question, “What to do about us?”

In what would seem to be a happier note: we older adults are also mentioned in senior-citizen-related publications with columns such as the “Best Things About Being Over 65”, and such.  As I read these columns and essays, typically written by people much younger than 65, I find a common theme;  older adults will find happiness by “picking themselves up by their own bootstraps”.  Described are a multitude of adventurous activities for us to try, from off-road biking and sky diving, to volunteering at school and … trying new meds.  Or we are encouraged to focus on our inner selves and to find joy in buying tickets to... 

All of these bits of advice can be helpful.  Not one is untruthful.  But these magazine essays, for instance, all more or less look at older adults, in a culturally-correct way, as if we all lived in our own individual silos, trying to climb up and down the inside rungs by ourselves.   These magazines articles hardly mention the existence of neighboring silos  -- unless, for instance, there is an ad in the corner of that magazine page of a somewhat younger person who is “reaching into our silo” to sell us a ticket for a Mediterranean cruise.  

Finding essays, suggestions, movies or conversations about older adults that include an emphasis on our social/collective human nature is more difficult.   Even harder, of course, is finding arguments for asking for help from the ranks of the retired.

Remember the 2000 movie, “Space Cowboys” about four old pilots who came back to NASA as old timers to rescue a falling satellite -- because they understand the old-fashioned systems that created that satellite?   The easy-handed cooperation among the old timers in the movie is in stark contrast to the ordered, divisive and individually focused world we seem to inhabit now.  I loved Frank Sinatra singing  "Fly Me to the Moon" as part of the closing sequence of the movie.  It captured the intertwining of adventure plus romance – an emotional togetherness among ordinary people that transcends today’s obsessions with celebrity.   If our church is akin to the falling satellite, can we older adults, like those Space Cowboys, pull ourselves together to cooperate “across all isles” to create new, 21^st Century ways of re-imagining our churches through listening and openness to new perspectives that intertwine with the old?

Who among us does not understand that happiness and thus our sense of well-being, comes typically in some form of our daily and personally meaningful interactions with family, friends, acquaintances, pets, local leaders, professionals and even with strangers at the grocery store.   We older adults cut our teeth in the era that still understood that if you didn’t cooperate with your kids and the farm families down the road, you wouldn’t get your crops harvested on time.  We knew, that with rare exceptions, nothing we did alone could solve the problems of the day nor would it solve tomorrow’s problems either.  If the church is looking for ways to survive, we can ill afford to assume that contemporary leaders can do it by themselves – they need help.

------------------------

On the chance that my pleas for planting partnerships that include leadership from older adults for reinventing the church for the 21^st Century seem too fanciful for you, let me try a different approach to the same end. 

Most of us have grown up with the understanding that for a Christian, it is more important to give than to receive.  Our benevolence program is the most obvious benefactor of this sense of purpose.  [I want to add, however, that the way we live out that purpose in our daily lives with our family, friends and neighbors, is probably more important to more people than all of our mission programs combined.]

I’m all for giving people help who need it.  Unfortunately, the most misunderstood aspect of giving to others is that continuing to give help to people over time, without making it possible for those people to give help back in personally meaningful ways, will make matters worse not better!  Church leaders* need to take seriously the option of asking older adults for help (a reciprocity of help, albeit) in ways that make sense to the older adult!; recognizing that the preferred ways of engaging in helpful activities will change over time for older adults as their capacities and interests change!

             *When I speak of church leaders, I am thinking not only the official leaders like the pastors, 

             church staff and the church council members, but also of all those parishioners who are 

             respected in one way or another and can influence a changing church culture through 

             empowering an older adult ministry.

Note:  A laissez-faire culture may work for business (The phrase laissez-faire means "let them do as they will," or "leave it alone") but neglecting the empowerment of older adults during their variable history of changes in abilities, capacities, friendships and daily living, can lead to feelings of marginalization and apathy.  These feelings can be preludes to potential spirals downward toward isolation and depression.  Church leaders can think that older adults know their way around the block, and they are free to organize or not according to their whims and desires.  This laissez-faire attitude by a church can come from seeing some older adults being quite active in church activities and church leadership roles and thus assuming that the rest would do the same if they wished.  However those visible older adults can be the tip of a diverse older-adult-iceberg.  The bulk of the older adults whose lives and capacities change with every passing year, can thus, inadvertently, find themselves being marginalized and falling further and further into the daily underworld of “not mattering”.

-----------------

So, what’s next? 

I have laid out two scenarios that will benefit older adults.  One is that older adults, if asked to step up to the plate, may be able to help “save the church”.  The other is to recognize that few people want to become a “pawn of professional care” or live an isolating life in a sterile hotel-like world.  No matter what our age, we want to feel that we are engaged in real life, that we matter to others in ways that are meaningful to them and to us, and that we are part of a “welcoming home community” in which we are able to contribute comfortably in ways that we are able.

So, “church”, ask us older adults, we potential Space Cowboys, to join in a partnership with our grandchildren and the grandchildren of our friends, and the parents of those “kids”, so that together we might reinvent our church and empower each other’s changing spiritual poetry of faith, hope & meaning.  Please don’t invite only those of us who are already popular, visible and involved.  Reach further into our mix and also invite by name those of us who are sitting by ourselves at the edges of the dance floor.       

Grace and truths are discovered in eternal conversation within community.

Bruce Roberts

http://agingandthechurch.blogspot.com

Dear Readers of this Aging and the Church blog,

Some of you might think that programs and activities arranged by and for older adults in our churches are nice, but you may judge them to be sort of like going to a movie for middle-agers.       But… since when could you go to a local theater and come home feeling like Rita Hofmann as she reflects on her experiences last week at WOW*?

Bruce

From Rita:

 I must tell you I had missed a lot of this year’s meetings [at WOW] due to Doctor appointments.  However, this past Wednesday I finally made a meeting and what a delight that was.  So many people missed me and were worried about me that it was just what I needed!!  It made my day, week and probably year!

         *the WOW program (Wellness on Wednesdays) is a weekly gathering of older adults at Immanuel Evangelical Lutheran Church in Webster, New York, and was discussed in this Aging and the Church blog about a month ago.

Quilting As Real Life: Try It

Part 6 of Six Parts

For this last post on quilting ministries, I want Sharon to speak exclusively for herself as she summarizes, further explains what’s going on, and projects hope for the future.  Sharon even identifies exciting new possibilities for congregations -- see #9.  If you would like to contact Sharon directly to comment to her on her ideas and/or to ask questions, she has said that would be fine.

Bruce

SHARON ROOS <sbroos2791@msn.com> wrote:

I was just thinking of all the ways this church quilting has continued to grow, not only in the number of quilts and the fact that we've found ways to get funding without having to ask our church for money.

1. When we display the quilts on the pews on Sunday, it helps remind church goers of the homeless among us.

2. Phase 2 of the church quilting is in speaking to people who work at the shelters, we've added to what we gather and bring them: towels (Simpson House provides showers for the homeless), blankets (overflow needs at Salvation Army), individual toiletries, warm scarves we knit from donated yarn. tote bags made from donated fabrics too heavy to include in a quilt. 

3. Women's day retreats for quilting, other handcrafts, water color painting, writing stories, scrapbooking (7 of these yearly so women have an opportunity to meet each other and make friends, something essential to new members staying with a church)

4. Mother/daughter fun handcraft sessions (after a year in the thinking stages, the planning meeting will be held in April for fun classes to start this summer)

5. Phase 2 of #4 is the girls and their mothers getting together a couple of times a year to have a knit-a-thon to make scarves and warm hats for the homeless with the congregation donating the yarn to feel part of this. (Many of the people who donate are senior citizens cleaning out their stash of yarn and fabric.)

6. Phase 3 of church quilting is that we donate a couple of quilts from our group but up to about 10 from some of the more talented quilters in our group to the annual quilt auction to raise funds for Luther Park Bible Camp.

6. Phase 4 of church quilting is putting together and printing MOUNT CALVARY QUILTERS' RECIPES to see for part of the matching funds that Thrivent requires when we ask them for funding for batting. The back page will be a short story of what we do with info on how to donate fabric, yarn, towels, toiletries, pillows, pillowcases, and money. This is a spring 2014 project.

7. Phase 6 of church quilting is that the going defunct group of Saturday Chaska quilters will meet quarterly at our church for a 1-2 day quilting retreat. Some of these women are former members of our church who have fallen away through the years, so it is a way of getting them back through the back door. (Only strangers knock at the front door, and it is much easier and friendlier to enter through the back door of anyone's house, including God's house.)

8. I forgot the second phase of church quilting when we had to raise matching funds for a Thrivent grant in 2011. We bought 80 little piggy banks, lettered the sides "Mount Calvary Quilting Ministry" and asked church members to take them home and fill them with FREE money. That is money you saved by having a glass of water instead of a soda or coffee when you eat at a restaurant, plus loose change at the end of the day. This was a way of making members aware of the homeless people also. 

9. Another possibility is one that comes from a writing stories retreat. An acquaintance of mine in Missoula connected with Hospice is talking about offering to write people’s life's story for their children or grandchildren. For instance, we could ask elderly members of our congregation if they wished to have their life story written. You have to know which questions to ask, but that's easy, just make a list for people, and they can help with those questions as well. (What a wonderful service to LISTEN to the elderly and write their wonderful stories. This can also end up being a cross generational service, as writing stories is something younger people may want to do as well.) This could also be part of a program for various church groups, reading those stories or parts of them, a way of honoring our seniors.

Sharon Roos 

Quilting As Real Life: Try It

Part 5 of Six Parts

The Power of Inclusion; the importance of Meaning

We all want to be useful, but we like to be useful in a way that is meaningful to us.  In the case below, it is the oral “thank you” that helps us realize what is important to others – and thus to us.  There is a lesson here that transcends this particular example and applies to many programs in a church.

THE ONGOING DYNAMICS:  The human dynamics can be interesting, as the two women who usually do the delivery want to drop the People In Need group, their reason being that group gets a lot of government aid, but a lot of the unspoken reason is that we don't have human contact when we deliver there, it's just "drop the quilts at the door up the ramp area" whereas Street Lights and Homer House almost fall on us in gratitude. We do get thank you post cards from People in Need, but the lesson is to orally thank people often. 

When a particular set of people begin a project, they tend to look for folks to include who are sort of like them.  This is the way most of us get through life.  “If it works for me, it will work for people like me.”  That is a reasonable perception, and somewhat accurate.  The problem comes when we thereby exclude from our perception of who could be included in this ministry or activity, those who are not like us – those who have more disabilities that we do, those who are older, those who are not as wealthy, those who don’t wear quite the right clothes, those who are not as articulate, or those who don’t appear to be as eager.

ACCEPTING ALL COMERS:  Our quilting group met this last Thursday, and Thistle asked me to see if I could get Heather to tie from the middle of the row out to get a much better looking quilt as hers were getting bunched up on all the edges.  Heather is 87, is on oxygen and uses a walker and manages to tie 5 quilts in a day, an achievement for anyone.  I suggested  just talk with her and ask her to try that.  No, the answer was, Heather is bossy.  I said that I liked Heather, she was such a good worker and is getting her friends to donate different fabrics, sheets and crochet thread to tie quilts.  How can I like her, the answer came back.  “It's easy,” I replied,  I've had lots of practice because when I worked at commission sales, particularly real estate sales, if someone didn't like me, that person could vote with his/her wallet and that was way too much money for me to lose because I might decide not to like someone before I even knew the person.  I learned quickly that I'd better like everyone I came in contact with or at least act like it till I learn to like them.  If we can't act like commission sales people, maybe we can just remember a couple of axioms: If you were accused of being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?  The other axiom, I think, was attributed to Mark Twain: Going to church on Sundays no more makes you a Christian than sleeping in a garage makes you a Chevrolet.  

So many parishioners wrote to me said variations on the theme below, of being sure that leaders “Ask the people”, that I wonder if this is something that everybody already knows.  Yet I also hear stories of complaint that, “The clergy makes all the decisions about what will happen at our church.”, or that, “A small group of people are in charge and they don’t ask others.”, that I thought I would include Sharon’s reflections.

ASK THE PEOPLE:  I learned so much in real estate sales and another great idea was to stay in a questioning mode rather than rushing to judgment, and a hard idea to remember.  For instance, when someone says the church doesn't make senior citizens feel wanted, after a statement similar to "That is so sad" or something that doesn't antagonize the speaker, then ask for a specific example or what that person thinks might be done to change this situation, or "Do you think anything could be done to change this situation?" or better yet, maybe "what do you think could be done," but some people will respond better to one wording than the other.  I'll bet this question would usually be followed by a disgusted grunt and then something like, "Well, of course, there are a lot of things that could be done."   In other words, the stupid church can't figure it out, but anyone can tell there are several things that could be done to change this.  There are many times when people know the answer to the problem.  You just have to pull it out of them.  This paragraph may be one that works in email to people who respond in a negative fashion, though it is much easier in person in most cases, a few people are as garrulous in email as I am. 

When we think of new ministries, or new programs or activities.  We usually think of starting from scratch with new people and new roles.  Yet, some wonderfully new projects can spring just as well from existing groups that are choosing to expand in new ways.  I suppose that my concern would be the extent to which existing groups call on new people as they “expand”.   Read Sharon’s commitment to expand toward opening new doors,

OPEN FUTURES:  I do wonder what this Quilting group will be doing five years down the road, as I keep going back to the H&R Block story of starting as a bookkeeping service and only later adding a tax preparation service.  I'd love a brainstorming session to dream about this, but the group is afraid to think that we could do more, so I try to keep those ideas to myself...mainly. We have expanded into scarves, mittens, toiletries, and tote bags for the homeless.

POND RIPPLERS

Actually, what I like to encourage people to do is to become, “Pond Ripplers”.  These are people who are like ripples on a pond that just keep growing outwards from a pivotal point.   I can almost trace each of our quilting members into our church and community by the people they've brought into our ministry with donations of time, money, fabric, sheets, yarn, toiletries and scarves.  Like Carolyn mentioned earlier in this monograph, they probably learn to ask "How are you?" and then listen.  The reason for anything other than quilts being delivered to the homeless shelters was because one of our quilters asked someone behind the desk at a shelter, "What else do you need?" and then listened.

Sharon’s concept of Pond Ripplers is powerful.  It is the notion that we older adults are not just doing busy work, nor are we the pawns of the important work of others;  we are capable people with 70, 80, or 90 years of experience, and we can, with the help of our friends, tackle life’s problems as well as anyone.  What we need to do is to join with others and “Knock on Doors”.  As doors open, even if just a crack, we need to then ask, for instance, “What do you need?”, and then listen.

Bruce

Quilting As Real Life: Try It

Part 4 of Six Parts

A Niche for Everybody!

I found Sharon’s next paragraph to be incredibly insightful about “need”.  It is everyplace.  We all tend to look in the same places for those who need help, but in fact opportunities for us older adults to help those in need lie all around us!

NEEDS IN YOUR BACK YARD:  (from Sharon)  If you think you have no homeless in your community so you have no need to make quilts, you are probably wrong.  But in case you are right, there are other people whose days you can brighten with a handmade quilt, starting with nursing homes.  People displaced by fire or flooding, high school graduates starting out on that new journey with a reminder that the church cares for them, or ask your police department if they would like to carry a smaller quilt in their squad cars for times they might have to rescue children from domestic abuse situations.  The list is only as limited as your imagination. “For as much as you have done for the least of these, you have done for me,” is a Bible verse that guides us in this ministry.

I’m not sure how to comment on this next example of approaching leaders in the “right” manner.  In this case, the way Sharon did it worked.  In another case with different leaders or different people doing the asking, another approach might work best.  The lesson, I suppose, is – keep trying, but in new ways – just don’t keep using a bigger and bigger hammer.

ITS HOW YOU ASK!:  When Ginger first asked if we could put the quilts on the pews (my suggestion) the senior pastor said (kindly) “no”, so I said, "Ginger, let me ask him next time." And I gave him the alternative choice of this coming Sunday or next Sunday, not a yes or no choice.

          One of the most important contributions from psychology that enables us to understand the workings of a community has been the work of Dr. Roger Barker many years ago, followed by my own mentor, Dr. Jim Kelly.  They have both identified the critical importance of what was then called “undermanning” situations;  when there were more tasks to be done than there seemed to be people to do them.  Everybody was needed, everybody felt important.  In contrast, their research with schools identified that when a school doubled in size, “overmanning” was the issue.  They found that typically, when a school increased in size by 100%, the number of activities available for students increased only 17%.  The students who were left out of a meaningful role to play were almost always the more “marginal” students – those who were shy, or not comfortable speaking in public, or not quite as good an athlete or musician as others. 

This lesson from this research on schools is true in institutions of all kinds (including churches) where time after time, as a church grows for instance, there are fewer meaningful roles for the more shy people among us.  Importantly, “marginal” is a term that people tell me fits older adults.  In a recent New Yorker article by Donald Hall, he refers to older people as “peripheral”, another sad but often true term.  Thus, based on the research, it appears that we older adults may often fall between the cracks as churches grow – if significant attention is not paid to creating new activities (niches) in which we are included.

FINDING AN IMPORTANT NICHE FOR EVERYBODY:  I told our pastor that many of the quilters in our group are finding a niche (a good thing).  For instance, Iris does the driving to the shelters, Daisy checks the incoming donations and sets up a time to go through that stuff and calls Rose (or me) to help, Lily checks to be sure we have coffee and coffee cups, Lupine and Violet and Pansy keep us supplied with sheets for quilt backings. Our pastor asked what I do, and I said I was the voice of the Happy Day Quilting Ministry, or more accurately "the mouth".  Part of my job is to write humorous (if possible) articles for the church council handout, the bulletins, and the newsletter, as each one reaches a different segment of the congregation. I've always done newsletter writing, so this is easy for me, but it's very important that we keep our group uppermost in the minds of the people who worship at our church.

Sometimes it seems to me that the most important task for a leader is to find niches that fit!  This does not mean that a leader must always find new opportunities for the contributions of older adults, sometimes it means helping older adults notice that they already have the experience needed to participate meaningfully in an existing niche.   Thinking that we can’t “fit any niches” can be a very real problem for us older adults.  The less we use a skill we used to have, the more likely we are to think that we can’t do something, even though we know we used to do “that”, every day perhaps.  It takes a leader who is willing to point out our talents and then walk-with us a bit as we re-enter life as an important contributor to the life of others.

Note:  some leaders are going to read what I just said and think, “That sounds nice, but I just don’t have the time to devote that much attention to helping people one-by-one to regain their sense of meaningful contribution.   I would reply to such an understandable comment, “Aha, the trick is to find others, perhaps older adults, who would be willing to serve in that “walking-with” sort of way.  Such a reciprocity of help and resource contributions is, in fact, the best of all worlds, anyway.”

Quilting As Real Life: Try It

Part 3 of Six Parts

What if I don’t sew?:  And other important issues.

THE SET UP: Sharon Roos said, “Use tables to spread out the sheet, then the batting, then the quilt top.  We use masking tape to tape the sheet to the table, as we use a lot of used sheets for backings and they need to be fastened to a smooth surface so they don’t wrinkle up.  Using the crochet thread or light weight yarn, tie a double knot through the center of each block, joining all 3 layers. You will also need straight pins, crochet thread or sports yarn (depending on the thickness of the batting you use), several needles, a couple of scissors.  You’ll want to meet in a room where you have several tables and chairs enough for everyone.  One needs to be able to trim the batting even to the quilt top, then trim the backing so there is about 2” extra all the way around.  Then fold the backing over and pin in place around all the edges.  If someone brings a sewing machine to this meeting, that person can sew around the edges where it is pinned.”

The places where events, like book clubs, model building, Bible studies, discussion groups and quilting take place are important.  If the seating is not comfortable, if people can’t hear because of outside noise, if food isn’t allowed, if parking is difficult, if the temperature can not be controlled, then people are less likely to return in the future.  In the case of the quilting ministry, it is obviously important to have adequate space to place the evolving quilts on tables to enable easy chair access to the material.

QUALITY WITHOUT OBSESSING OVER PERCEIVED  PERFECTION: “Keep in mind when you are making these quilts that they are for the homeless shelters (for instance), not a quilt show that is being judged for how a knot is tied.  But we also pride ourselves on putting together pleasing, bright quilts to brighten up the day of a homeless person.  The most ugly fabric can be made into a beautiful quilt by combining it with other fabrics.  Some of the fabric scraps (smaller than 8” square) make the most beautiful quilts.”

Often it is the perfectionists in the crowd who create things that we admire.  They do things just right; whether it is the construction of a piece of art, or provide critical leadership for an organization!  But when planning for a new project, or a different set of volunteers to contribute to an existing program, an image of an expectation of “perfect” outcomes may thwart many very good prospective participants.   This is a very real fact of ordinary life in all areas.

WHAT IF I DON’T SEW?: “The only skill required to be a church quilter is the ability to tie a knot.  Emphasize this to people who have questions about joining your group.  The quilt tops are pieced by several of our members at home, but they could be pieced at church in an old fashioned sewing bee.  As we progressed to making more and more quilts, we bought bed risers for the tables (can be found at Wal-Mart or a similar store), which means we don’t get backaches from bending over the tables to tie the quilts. 

The above paragraph identifies a critically important issue.  The “reluctant” among us who argue that, “Well, I would do that , but I don’t … [speak in front of groups, sew, have enough energy, socialize well, and on and on.]” is a significant barrier for many people who consequently decide not to engage in an activity that would otherwise seem right down their alley.

“HOMEWORK IS OK” Another tip that works for us is to cut kits for the ladies who sew the tops at home.  That usually means 60 8” blocks either in 2 or 3 coordinated colors or a color theme, like pastels for women or darker colors for men.  They are packaged in 1-2 gallon plastic zip lock bags with a note saying how many squares or how they might be assembled.

It is nice to think that one’s reward is in doing the good deed itself.  Though true in part, all of us appreciate being recognized and thanked for what we do.  The display of completed quilts over the pews is an outstanding way of sharing ones work and enabling the congregation to recognize the quilting project as a gift from the entire congregation.

PUBLIC DISPLAY; EVERYBODY WINS:  Before we take the quilts to the homeless shelters, we display them over the pews in church.  This is a great reminder to the congregation of needy people right in our area, and it also helps in getting donations of sheets for the backings, some fabric, and even some money for this ministry.  This display and frequent notes in the bulletin about how many quilts, which shelters get them, requests for their help, and letting them know you consider them your prayer partners in this important ministry.

Another means of recognition of older adults who are engaged in one or another of the programs of the church is to include photographs of them in publications that are distributed by the church.  Sheila Hinkel  has made a habit of doing this in her church.

(From Sheila)  When I started here, I was always armed with a camera. Most people hate having their picture taken, however, they quickly got used to the fact that we will be documenting what: 1. we will be doing  2. what we have done  3. who did it.  Now, holding up a camera gets smiles and poses, with them knowing it will be shared with others. They may make a silly comment, but now they never squirm, and enjoy seeing candid shots taken around the church activities - it is a good way to let everybody know that we are alive!   Sheila

Sometimes it is difficult to “see” the importance of leadership in the most successful of projects because the members seem to be doing it all themselves.   Yet, in the best of the programs, it is almost always a leader or two or three -- behind the scenes -- suggesting things like hanging quilts over the pews for public recognition, or posting photos of the members having fun, that ultimately enable the members to see that their presence and their contributions really matter.

Bruce

Quilting As Real Life: Try It

Part 2 of Six Parts

Marketing; Starting with just a few; Cutting Costs; and Food

“MARKETING” Sharon Roos said,  “Try to get at least three ladies interested in starting a quilting projece.  Before you put a notice in the church bulletin (allow 2-3 weeks in a row for this in case someone misses church or the notice doesn’t click for them on first reading), you will need the following:  ladies to share from their fabric stash or the church to donate a small amount ($200, for instance) to get this ministry started, 4-8 pieced tops + batting + backing (could be used or new sheets).”

If one has in mind that many people are looking for ways that they can contribute something meaningful to the lives of others, then beginning a program or project with a call for “help” can make good sense.   Sharon has stated that because many, if not most, of the participants in the quilting project do not sew, it was very important that she have the necessary quilt-making equipment ready on the first day so that everybody could see that they could contribute simply by tying knots. 

START WITH A FEW:  “Note:  We started with a few of us sharing fabric and batting from our stash, and as we picked up speed, we asked the congregation for some financial help.  Then we requested a grant from Thrivent for more help.  We started in May 2006 and I can remember when we finished 3 quilts, then after awhile we finished 7.  By the end of 2011 we ended up making 812 quilts, surpassing what any of us would have guessed.”

In many ways, starting with just a few people makes it easier to work out the bugs in the system that will almost surely be a part of any new project or program.  Growth will happen over time if the need is there and the process is empowering for the participants.

CUTTING COSTS: “Batting is the most expensive part, and we try to always get it on sale and have used a couple of different kinds.  We have been fortunate to get sheets donated from the congregation by putting frequent reminders in the church bulletin.  We also check thrift shops and garage sales.  Broadcloth is good for the quilt tops.  We pay between $1.29-$3 a yard for fabric, including cotton, broadcloth and flannel.”

Clearly, some of the events that parishioners suggested to me that were very successful involved rather expensive outings to regional points of interest or entertainment centers.  But for many people, the cost of a program or project will be a deciding factor.   It is sometimes those people who seem least able to afford a more expensive program that would benefit from a quilting project the most.

FOOD!: “When you meet, ask people to either bring a brown bag lunch or what has been the secret of our group is our potluck lunches, as we work in small groups during the day but enjoy visiting together for lunch.  It also means we can work for more hours.  (That means someone brings paper plates, plastic-ware utensils, napkins, Styrofoam cups.)  For the first meeting you might just want to have bars or cookies and coffee.”

One of the easiest ways to insure that a project or program has a very human element of positive reinforcement lies in the food that is available.  Research is clear that food can put participants in a better mood – and the resulting positive emotions can make all the difference in the world whether or not creative new and helpful directions are encouraged. 

        The research on positive emotions and well-being that supports the above statement is extensive.  Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, now a professor at the University of North Carolina, is a leading figure in the positive psychology research area.   Her research over the past 10 years helps identify the increase in one’s health, well-being, immune system functioning, resiliency, creativity, acceptance of others who have different ideas and an openness to new ideas -- as a result of engaging in activities and events that sustain a sense of positive emotions over time.  This is, of course, exactly the outcome that Sharon Roos reports from her quilting activities.

Bruce