Cross-Generational Connecting Threads as Conversational Bridges
The other day I had an
appointment with a 40-something member of our church to talk about gathering
together the 200 or so older adult members of our church. Our pastor had suggested this meeting
between us, we older and younger members, so that together we might consider
ways to include all older adults in some sort of older adult ministry in our
church.
But as we got into our discussion, something else loomed
large and we followed that new pathway.
It started as we talked about a written question to me from
an older adult at church, “Why is it that disappointments and
failures become much more intense as we grow older?”
As she had read that question earlier, my younger friend
said that her first thought was,“But of course younger adults face more
disappointments in life as they add up disappointments at work, in the
neighborhood, at home, and with kids school.” Older adults, she thought, surely have had more experience
at dealing with difficulties and become wiser as a result, they don’t have as
many diverse things going on in their life, and of course they have a pretty
solid sense of “who they are”. But
then she read the reasons that I had collected from a sampling of older adults
for why we older adults might resonate with that question about
disappointments:
- It is
disappointing to say good-bye too many times to different parts of our
lives – our former selves.
- My
changed routines at retirement affect almost everything in my life. My relationships keep changing
again and again as my health fluctuates, or we move, or I don’t hear as
well, or people don’t expect (as) much of me.
- I find
that what I said earlier, “That will never happen to me.” is happening to me.
- I find
that the constant ever-changing health and mobility difficulties of
friends, spouse and myself really affect how I think about the future.
- I
simply don’t have control over an increasing number of situations that
affect my life.
- Disappointments
are no longer easy to put aside as they become part of my current identity
– who I am now.
Interestingly, three different people each mentioned
“time” in their response, but note how each addressed a different aspect of
time; this is a good illustration
of our divergent perspectives!
- I have
less pressing business to do, so I have too much time to
ruminate about stuff.
- I know
I have too little time left in my life to really fix things
and so I don’t really try.
- Time seems to have speeded up and I don’t really know how much time I have left.
My younger friend said, “After reading that list, I began to
understand that it’s not just we younger adults who struggle with
disappointments. We all face
disappointments, but for different reasons. There are many connecting threads between the issues faced by older
adults and younger adults.“
We then talked about some of those connecting threads.
For instance, there is a concern about relationships
for both older and younger adults but often for very different reasons. The younger adults are aware that
divorce and separation are widespread in our culture and they can feel uneasy
about their own relationships because of that. Whereas older adults see relationships change dramatically
because of mental deteriorations, or they see relationships end (physically)
because of death. Common concerns,
different underlying issues.
In our culture, anxiety disorders are on the
rise. One sees it frequently in
college students for instance.
With the young there is a widespread feeling that there are so many
choices in life and “I have to do them all.” -- or at least try everything
possible. This frequently leads to
overloads, overextensions and significant chronic anxiety. When the young fall short because they
committed to doing more than they have time to do they feel significant
distress. Older adults can find
themselves with the same kind of overextensions and anxiety -- and
disappointments. But they tend to
arrive at that point because they no longer feel they have enough energy or
strength to do the number of things they did before. Common concerns, different underlying causes.
Illnesses, accidents and disabilities such as mental
illness, alcoholism, developmental disabilities or physical handicaps by one
family member that can seriously disrupt family dynamics are as common for the
young as for the old. The
influence in families of such difficulties can spread and for better or worse,
over time, change a range of characteristics, emotions and behaviors of all
family members. Common concerns,
and in this case, common underlying causes.
To notice that we older adults have much in common with the
younger members of our congregations is to understand an important access to
the potential healing power of cross-generation conversations about issues of
(surprising?) common concern.
Such conversations-together can be seen as a bridge to hope and
health. Everybody benefits as
young and old alike reciprocate in telling their story and listening with
respect to the stories of others.
To know that other people that we respect, seem to understand and
respect us (because they truly listen to us), is a powerful means of increasing
everybody’s sense of well being.
Bruce
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